Someone asked me last week how long it took me to recover from the c-section that brought Baby Garrett into the world in one piece. My first reaction was to respond with the amount of time it took me to get out of bed for the first time: 1 day. Then I remembered how much pain I was in when we returned home from the hospital after 3 days. My pain was mostly gone in just two weeks. And just seven weeks from delivery, I am back in my jeans!
However, upon further reflection, I realized that I may never completely recover from the cesarean delivery. Not only will I sport a physical scar, most likely for the remainder of my days, but, I will keep the emotional scarring that came along with it.
I know that many women have c-sections every day. And that they are so commonplace, we forget that it is not the "natural delivery" method. It is surgery. And I felt as if it robbed me of the opportunity to birth my son. A week ago, I looked at my son and emotionally connected him to me. He came from me, and even though it took an anesthesiologist, two nurses, two doctors, and at least one scalpel to make it happen, I gave birth to him.
He is half me, half Adam. And he is part of our family. There is great joy in that. But I have had to grieve the loss of the birth experience we, and I so desperately anticipated. I had desired a medication-free birth, which obviously ruled out a cesarean. I had envisioned Garrett coming into the world, hearing his first cry and having him put on my chest. I imagined the satisfation that would come from pushing and pushing, and finally hearing "here he comes". And I imagined our families rushing in, to see the newest DeClercq.
But instead, I labored for 22 hours, with 3 epidurals to take the edge off of back labor that drove me to tears. Pushed and pushed, only to hear "c-section". Heard his first cry through a blue sheet to shield me from seeing my insides. My first glimpse of my son was tainted by the surgery that was being finished up on my lower half, while Adam held Garrett to my face. I am not sure I would have recalled it even happened if Adam hadn't described it to me later. Our families had to wait two hours from his time of birth to see us.
It is hard to describe the emotional side of my cesarean delivery. It was traumatic. And yet, I can be thankful. I can be thankful that I and my son are both alive and healthy.
My scar is a reminder of how thankful we can be.
2 comments:
i think every woman that has a c-section, although she is thankful for a healthy baby, grieves the loss...and you do for a while. i remember right before i had my 3rd, laying in bed and crying because i was so frustrated that this was my lot. that instead of looking forward to seeing my baby girl i was paralyzed with fear over a surgery. you will continue to grieve...and continue to be thankful. but you did give birth...you gave him life, regardless of how you did it. you have all good words and good things to work through. you sacrificed for your son...you gave up what you 'wanted' most so that he could be healthy and safe. good job mama.
Thank you for putting into words what so many of us moms, young and old, have felt but just couldn't express about our c-section experiences. I know I still regret not getting to hold my babies right after they were born. But I can be thankful for my healthy, beautiful baby girl and now her healthy beautiful son--my grandson. I will continue to thank the Lord for the safety of both these precious ones.
I agree with Natalie--good job, mama.
Love ya!!
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